Though I recovered from my eating disorder thirteen years ago, there are still times where “the voice” reappears more than other times. One such time always happens to be during the holiday season. During the summertime, I am constantly outside, active, craving juicy fruits, and uninterested in heavier foods. I don’t fluctuate significantly, but there is no doubt I gain a few pounds each winter. With the days shorter and the weather colder, it’s much more difficult to get outside, enjoy additional walks, and be as active. Between my winter weight gain and inability to run around outside the house more, it is inevitable “the voice” returns.

Still, thirteen years later, I have to use my recovery voice to counter my eating disorder voice.

“You are already above your ideal weight, you don’t need to eat that scrumptious dessert.” 

“You cannot deprive yourself of something you desire. The ramifications of deprivation are not worth just enjoying a brownie.”

“You don’t need hot apple cider. The calories in a drink are not worth it.”

“‘Tis the season to enjoy warm, comforting drinks. Who cares about the calorie count.”

“You can’t have dessert tonight because you didn’t workout long enough this morning.”

“You shouldn’t exercise to eat. You should exercise to be healthy, and eat to be healthy. A dessert can be eaten regardless of how many minutes I spent on the treadmill.”

“You can’t eat Chinese food on Christmas even though it’s a tradition because you retain too much salt, and therefore gain weight.”

“Enjoy an order of General Tso’s chicken, and if it will make you feel better, you can order it not fried. But, thinking you cant eat it altogether because of water retention is irrational.”

“Everyone is staring at me and what I’m eating.”

“I am surrounded by family and friends who love and care about me. They aren’t focusing on what I am eating. They are just enjoying my company.”

I will continue to fight my eating disorder voice when it speaks to me. And, I will do my best to have a wonderful holiday season, and not let the voice decide otherwise.